I was driving Jamie back to Lummi tonight. Usually I am trying to think of how to make conversation with my big friend. But he is all talk this evening.
Like most gangsters, Jamie's is a sad story. He is trying to live in a new way now and it's been hard. Twice now, groups of homies have stepped up on him trying to pick a fight, and one who spit in his face got what he asked for. It bothered Jamie that he fought this guy - he felt like he took a step back into the life, so what's the point?
What difference does it make if I stop slinging and banging? What difference if these guys are still going to come after me?
"The difference is what is going on on the inside," I tell him. I point to his chest. "There is new life going on in there."
I talked to Chris and Bethany cause I wanted their opinion. I'm telling you this cause I want your opinion. Do you think I should have fought that guy? What do you think?
"It is hard for me to tell you what you should do, Jamie, because I've never been in your shoes. I haven't been in fights. I can't imagine what its like to try and leave that life. But here's the deal. All the guys I respect wouldn't have fought."
What?
"I don't mean any disrespect to you, but I'm talking about Jesus and Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. These guys got beat on but didn't return the beating. Jesus got spit on and beat and executed. Their non-violence changed things."
It's hard. I thought once I decided to make a change that life was going to get better, but it isn't. It's hard.
"Yeah. Jesus said, "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake." And everyone who wants to live a godly life is going to be persecuted. That is what is happening to you."
"It's like if you keep garbage on your porch and racoons and rats are always getting into it. Then you clean it up, but the racoons keep coming around because they are used to finding garbage there. After a while they stop coming because there is nothing there anymore."
"You can ask all sorts of people their opinions, but I am finding it is good to ask Jesus." I tell him a story of his friend Pipe, asking us for our opinion, our praying with him, and what he hears from Jesus. "I think if you ask Jesus, he will speak to you. If you aren't hearing anything or aren't clear, then you should ask your friends."
We talk some more about this and I keep thinking about what he is experiencing right now and his discouragement.
"You've probably heard Chris talk about Jesus' baptism. When Jesus comes out of the water he hears God say, "This is My Son, whom I love; I am happy with him!" The Father keeps speaking that over him because it is core to who he is. You are My Son. You are My Son. Don't forget that no matter what comes against you. Then the Spirit takes Jesus out into the desert and he is tested by the devil and at every point the devil tests the core thing God has said: "If you are God's Son, prove it; do this. If you are God's Son, prove it; do that." That is what is going on for you, Jamie. You want to live a new life and the devil is testing you, telling you to prove it."
Jamie nodded and grinned and began to rap, something along the lines of all this stuff is going on / I think I'm going to lose it; I'm trying to live a new life but the devil tells me to prove it...
Later he asks me how I came to know God and I share some of my early story and how when I took the step things actually got more difficult. He says he just wishes things were better; nothing seems to be changing. I challenge that:
"Jamie, look at what is going on for you. You got hooked up with Loc Saint and your music is getting produced. You went to LA and got to meet Homeboy Industries. And the clincher that you are on your way is that the devil is messing with you. He's afraid, man. He wants you to lose hope. He wants to discourage you, so he is sending a lot against you. He wants to pull you back. No. You are on your way, Jamie. God is moving in you."
